As I was walking under the heat of the Australian sun, across the Pyrmont bridge, I received two sharp dings through my wireless earphones.

One read: "Dear Annie, your recent test results or correspondence have been returned and reviewed" - signalling that the results of my STI test were ready to be opened and devoured.

The other, was a text from a boy I had experienced two nights earlier for only the second time in my life. I had been waiting all day for this, and both in quick succession was like a sudden shot of heroin through my body.

I'm sure that someone more poetic and literary inclined could write something romantic about this (either tragic or hopeless, or both).

There is an exceptional type of beauty that percolates through the ripples of the river-water when the street lights reflect onto it. Two walks in the chilly-yet-not-debillitating evening air was needed tonight. To let the air in to invade my insides and calm down the swelling of stomach (from anxious butterflies), heart (from blossoming friendship/ lost love/ uncertain sentiment) and brain (from the usual overthinking Annie-esque habit). Life for the past five weeks has been in a state of disarray. Disposable dates, fabricated moments, inorganic loves. The smile of a genuine customer service employee plastered onto my jaw. Enjoyable? Somewhat. Disconcerting? Yes. Convoluted? Extremely.

Just going with the flow. Just being myself. There are no rules. There is no manual you can download off the Internet.

Self-Worth

My life as of late has been monumental amounts of written words on paper, China Jasmine tea, mellow and familiar sounds, and the loathing that comes with heartbreak, regret, and despairs of unemployment.

Albeit the previous sentence sounding woeful and glowing in self-pity, there have been rays of encouraging creative light and flow of self-growth, with regular attendance at pilates, the camera store, the park, the gelato store.

Why is it always that it's not once you go through a shattering, devastating, personal crisis that the weight of your true self-worth plummets into your stomach? I have gone through a period of gut-wrenching pain, where your heart feels heavy and tired, regardless of whether you are asleep or awake. Every second step I have been making conveys its self as a mistake to me, five minutes after thirty minutes of insane, back-and-forth inside of my head, saying it's the right thing to do.

How are you meant to forget, erase, and dissolve, all memory/ thought/ feeling/ emotion towards a being that has been so influential/ present/ powerful in your life for so long? How? How? How?

There's an unspoken fate, we both must take, every time we meet. You will go travelling around the world with someone else. You will walk your dog on those balmy evenings on the suburban streets with someone else. Someone else will listen to your trivial, yet zany, daily stories of the corporate life and of structure. Someone else will comfort you, and trace the same lines that I did. Someone else will replace me in your life and heart.

The pursuit of knowledge

After cleaning my room this morning, I sat on the edge of my bed, basking in the spring sunlight, looking at my medium-sized bookcase. I was feeling proud of it bursting at the seams, filled with books of the words I have indulged in and let seep into my mind. I looked over at Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, peeping through the edges of other books lined on the book shelf. Brave New World is one of my favourite books, the way that Huxley describes the psyche of a modern society and how it shapes its civilians is tantalising and drug-like for my insides. I thought of the time that I first read Brave New World. I was in high-school, wanting to further my literary knowledge and expand my reading ability. I would google "Top 100 books to Read", make lists of books to read, and make my mum drive me to the public library so I could loan these reverend books out. I was quite the studious student in high-school (pressure from parents, maybe habitual built over years) and after hours of having to trough through textbooks and past exam papers, I would always have time for the books well-sought after to read.

Thinking about how I used to be like this, a common habit and activity I revelled in, made me realise that the pursuit of knowledge and understanding, is something that I will always keep on fuelling. It is what helps me stay grounded, to this world and its people. There are so many different ways of thinking, understanding and appreciating for humans. It is important to remind yourself that the world does not revolve around you, and the world isn't there to serve your needs/ wants/ emotions.

I have logged back onto my blogging account with a recent heartbreak and re-assessment of life. I have come to realise that this blogging phenomenon has become a coping mechanism for myself in times of despair and less for times of self-actualisation and cheer.

Bitches Bitches

A month or so ago I went into the bush for three days with a bunch of people I had only known for about two weeks.

I had no idea at all what to expect.

It was fun!!!!!!!! **

I lived on one pair of boots for the three days :o 

CYA

You're one of the Good ones.

Being cheeky bastards in art pieces, frolicking in curtains and drinking lychee cocktails on the top of the Bell Tower.

Been distracted with proper shit for the past couple of weeks. This is what it's meant to be like right?

Is this how we're meant to feel?

Tunes: Cassius - Foals 

Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m

I lead the life of the typical university student - unable to budget and always spending money on useless things such as more sparkly gel pens and stickers. After coming home from my trip overseas, I could still afford a few good nights out (wait, when are they ever bad nights?!) living on the money I made before Christmas. That is, until I hit a brick wall last Friday night and had to break open my black skull money box for gold change. Luckily, I'm one of those people that save my gold coins and not feel bad about it.

Anyways, Friday night, we still wanted to do something, but not spend any money. Mixed with a hankering to keep our clothes free of smoke/ alcohol and our bodies away from seedy old Irish men (seriously, has anyone else noticed the increase of Irish men in Perth?), Lisa and I decided to do something different ....

 

"Excuse me miss, would you like to be alone together? I got some ways that I would like to get to know you better" 

No pretty girls or poor civilians were hurt in this operation, lasting five hours. All images were taken by me over the past year, and I've always likened to the idea of photos I've taken charming the streets and laneways of Perth. This was a belated 20th birthday present from Lisa and it was well worth the six month delay ;-) 

Armed with 15 images, a tub of deer blood, bag of sour sherbet lollies and $15 in my purse, safe to say that it was a successful Friday night. We didn't even spend taxi money - score! Not sure if this Friday night is going to fare as well... it is the weekend before the uni semester starts again... eeep :-/ 

Listening to: Go Outside - Cults 

waiting for something warm.
and something nice.

I haven't written or conjured up anything substantial in the last couple of months. Hm, I'm not sure what's been happening lately. Tomorrow morning I will be leaving for my family trip overseas. I will be cut off from any sort of social life and happenings that I have over here in Perth. It's gonna be odd, because those are the things that have been distracting me from anything important. I won't be able to live on a whim, pretend that nothing else matters except for the moments I find myself stuck in (ha oh so many odd situations I have found myself in that I never predicted).

I think maybe, this trip will be good for me. Cleanse, re-assess and cut off connections to meaningless and empty thoughts. Refresh my memory on different things, try and gain some sort of perspective. There's nine days till the new year dawns upon us. The past other three hundred and fifty six days have been a ride of oddities and new experiences. I didn't touch any sort of illicit drugs for a year and still aim to go far. My brain has sort of healed ... there was a slight set back the other week, but waves washed over and numbed the pain. I've collected a lot of memories as well. There is no understatement in that at all, lots of different people, strangers, friends, co-workers, acquaintances and disposable humans are all a part of these as well. In some way or another, all the faces that I have recognised and acknowledged in the past year have definitely inputted in my assessment of 2012 as to what it is now.

I'm still unsure how I feel overall about the year. Productive? Maybe. Experiential? Definitely. Traits of coming out of my comfort zone ... lots. This year I wanted to prove to myself that I don't have to stick to the image that I had conceived when I was younger. I can be anything I want. That being said, I became aware of many other social and familial pressures and restrictions. The social strata of Perth became more apparent to me and has influenced where I see myself in five years.

Ok. Now I'm just doing that thing where I say things that should really go in my journal.