just give me time, i'll be fine.

Warning: the text in grey font is pretty irrevelant but sometimes the WWW is a friend that is always willing to listen to my problems

The epitome of a failure can be defined by my stupidest, irrashest (is that even a word?), most idiotic action today.
I don't know if I post it on a blog it just defines me as sad and pathetic for telling the whole world about my failures but I've learning to not care about what other people think about me because I'm me and if that annoys them.... well I simply don't give a crap. And it's your choice if you want to read this or not so whatever. Just putting it out there.

The rain outside is setting the mood although the post situation mood.
Pre and during mood was very happy. It was so sunny I could of just burst out laughing at anything, anytime.

I spent about ten minutes with Chris, David & QiQin weighing out the pros and cons (they were all pros obviously) if I should ask this guy to the ball. (So yes the previous few blogs are about my indecisive reasoning if I should or not and stupid illusions and situations I make up in my head) I'm kind-of happy that it didn't go the way I planned because at least I've felt what I feel now. I don't think I want to give it a name otherwise the full realisation will hit me with full force and I don't think I would ever recover. I'm not saying that it's better than what I wished but ah, we can't change whats already happened.

Fuck, that sounds way too optimistic compared to what I'm truely feeling. Maybe I'm just trying to get the best out of the worst. *sigh

Well I go sit down at the tables where he hangs out. (I'm sorry for keeping this "he" unidentified. It makes me feel much more secure. Not that anyone that I don't know who reads this would know who he is. And not that everyone I know knows this has happened. But eh eh eh ehhhhhhh) And it was pretty good. Except for everything was making me so nervous. People around me can vouch for that. Nicholai's peach tea wasn't strong enough for me and my nerves were like AWOL. I couldn't stop jittering, twittering, squirming, looking around, doing anything BUT getting around to asking him. All this undue pressure was on me because bookings for the tables were closing at lunch.

And you know what the stupid thing was? I asked him after the bell went.

Okay, not exactly but literally, yes. Heres the story: about two minutes before bell (I estimate) I FINALLY say "doyouwanttogoballwithme?" Except at about 10 miles per second. You think its not possible. I even thought it was not possible, until I did it. Trust me, it is possible. That shows how nervous I was. So then he kind of looks at me and goes "what??" and I'm just like "fuck I don't have enough energy to say it again"
Nicholai gets up to leave and he does too. I so know by then its a no.

But I press on.

He gets back and everyone slowly leaves. I go "did you hear what I said before??" and then hes like "....yeah...."
I really didn't picture the perfect exchange of sympathy nicities to be this effing weird.
We both start apologising profusely. Some time amongst our very empty meaningless sorries, the bell goes.
Why the fuck were we even apologising? Why was I saying I didn't care? Why did he say "you were the only girl that even ended up asking" and smile the most amazing smile ever? Why? Why did I have this feeling in my throat but forced it down with a "No trust me, I really don't care that you said no"? Why did I say "it's all cool, it's all cool" when obviously it wasn't a tiny inch bit cool?
..he just walks away... and I leave with QiQin.

This isn't even the full story, I don't think reading it would have the same effect as it did with me really being there. So I won't bother.

"If we try hard enough, I'm sure we could forget it"

So the text above is the reason for my melancholy, disruptive mood I am in right now.
Casey and I had a rant about the cliche issue I have. Stupid hope that movies/ books give you.
Shame on you, shame on you.

I want to crawl up in a ball away from embarrasment and humility.

And whats even worse? I have so much to do, and so little time :( :( I got thrown two assesments today just like wham, bam, "here you go Annie, due next week" Argggggggg!!

and that was my far from perfect day.





OH wait one more thing, this thing just IRKS ME and I know its stupid but listen, I go out of my comfort zone (not very sucessfully or smoothly I admit) and embarrases myself and I get NOTHING at all out of it. Y'kno what I said before about having to feel this feeling just so you know how it feels, well its a pretty shitty feeling. I only ever get one ball in my whole entire life. And now I'm going to look back when I'm older and think, "I got rejected by the only guy I ever wanted to go with."

There. I. Said. It.






Glad I got that out of my system, I need sleep desperately.
Just to pretend today was all a figment of my imagination, and tomorrow, I'll have learnt to not go ask him in the first place.

annie is waiting for her time to have a piece of perfect