i'm in one of those moods again, when i feel like nothing can keep me up or i have no faith in absolutely anything at all.
i feel that people are always putting me down even though its unintentional. i just can't help but feel secluded from everything, and everyone.
its those moods where i just want to be alone.
i want to tell someone how i feel, i want someone to understand, i want someone to listen.
i know that they will but i feel that i start growing strings of attachment and when they don't need me, i feel left alone and thrown out.
i want the feeling to be mutual.

i feel that i have all this love inside of me, but its weird coz i also feel all this hate and pain- for no reason at all.
so i make reasons and excuses and blame them for the insecurities i have with this world.

no one understands and i want people to know this. but sometimes it helps when people try to understand.
i cant stop fucking listening to fucking simple plan. fucking hell. i dont even have their songs, i just found a craving and had to youtube them.

i need to express my feelings somehow. i thought this would help- and it usually does.
everythings so intense.  my bones are calcified and occified but i still feel weak.
i feel that anyone could just come up and break me into pieces.

not even sleep comforts me.
i dont know what will anymore.
more pain.

ive been catching the bus at 7 or 8 in the morning, coming home late in the afternoon or at night from uni. i just look at people and i feel all this hate. not towards them but just towards everything in general. all the dust particles, the threads of clothes, the muscles and bones working together for their smiles, the plastic making their sunglasses, the sound waves coming from their earphones, everything.
i see people in love and it makes me sad.
i saw an old woman at 6 in the morning, in the fresh cool air, smoking yet walking her dog. contradictory.
the only piece of happiness i had today was when Sushil told us that we weren't dissecting those godforesaken disgusting smelling fetal pigs who have never breathed or sucked from the mamallary glands or opened their eyes.

i dont even know what i want anymore.
i dont want the past cause i would know whats coming in the future.
i dont want the future cause i dont know whats there.
i dont want this because im not enjoying it.

lately i started talking to an old friend. old as in someone i used to feel i could trust, someone i could depend on. i thought nothing could break it. well it did. but besides the point its been good but now everytime i see this person, or think about them, i just feel pain. just like the old times. 

i really don't know whats wrong with me. y'know how i said no one can understand me? well i wish even i could understand myself. im not a puzzle, its not like i need figuring out. i just need.... answers, time, comfort and confrontation.

i miss my grandfather. i have no recollections of memories with him, looking at photos do not bring back any trace of his existance in my life. yet i still miss him.
how powerful is that? to have met him at a young age, yet no memory of him at all but i still have the capacity to miss him more than anyone else.
i have never had a grandfather figure in my life. i hope the grandfathers that you all have make you happy and safe. someone to turn to when you feel lost.

annie xox