back to uni, after an enigmatic and fulfilled one week easter break. i sat on the bus this evening, shivering, with my iPod on quite loud so i wouldn't have to listen to the two punks at the back playing old blink 182 and the grumpy lady bus driver constantly yelling at them to take their feet off the seats.
i'm tried but i don't know why i don't go to bed early. i struggled to keep my eyes open in 4 / 5 lectures today- i prolonged the time of each blink my eyes would undergo just so i could close my eyes from the uni surroundings that i didn't want to be back in.
but i was thinking, on the bus ride home, uni is the reason for my future. since a young age, i have kept this perfect image/ idea of what life will be like when i grow up and i suppose going through all these stressful weekends, painful 3 hour fetal pig dissections, long tiring hours and starving myself during the day will get me there. BUT then, what if its not what i really want? am i working towards something that i will not enjoy in the end? something i do not find fulfilment out of?
i feel drained, emotionally and physically. i have been challenged, unintentionally- it's all in my head. why is everything a competition to me? i always want to come out top, but i never do. when will it be my time to shine?
much of last week i felt unheard and empty. regretful and emotionless at the same time. i'm sorry, i never imagined things would turn out this way. i know you will never hear the whole story because i am a coward and all i can do is tell the voices in my head or this stupid cyber blog. you were both my placebo and nocebo. you misunderstood me and i misunderstood you. you influenced me, you corrected my mistakes and you were another human being that i let into my mind.
i'm sorry.
i have a lookbook now, you should definitely go check it out, and possibly hype my looks while you're at it.
http://lookbook.nu/fluorescentstars
i don't know how to get my hypes up, or get my look more recognised in the community, does anyone have any ideas?
oh and i also have a deviant art account now, after many months of wanting to start one. :) back-wash.deviantart.com
i don't do drawings so its mostly photographs but they have been published on my blogger before anyways, but check it out still.
i'm really dreading uni tomorrow (when do i not?) i have a chemistry lab that i had no idea about and apparently its assessed and makes up a huge amount of my final mark. i really do regret not focusing on chemistry studies back in the day, or even in uni. my friend michael today once again called me an art student persona, pretty much. sometimes i wish i was just an art student so i wouldn't have to worry about all the clients i'm going to get in the future.
well, peace,
annie XOXO
currently listening to: clean white love- lisa mitchell
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