I was meant to go to bed half an hour ago, why do I always do this to myself?! At least I'm starting to keep to my studying goals and doing at least 5 hours of study a day. So yeah, today was pretty productive, I learnt a billion more muscles and what action they produce. Baked some cupcakes in the afternoon because my mind was wondering off into wonderland so I thought might as well do something else. I suppose I can take some to uni tomorrow. Yeah, I have to go into uni during study week, how depressing. I have to hand in my last two assignments, return my books to the Med Dent library, and assess more dead bodies and where the muscles/ bones lay in our compartments.
Grrrrrrrrrrr, exams.

"Future or You?"
Eboney is such a badass friend, I love her. She sets things straight and helps me get my head back into the game. The REAL game; the future- MY future. Where my head should be all the time.
I'm getting there, I am. I've decided that people who aren't worth my time aren't worth any valuable head space needed in this vital time of examinations. He's playing a different sort of game, a game that I don't want to participate in anymore. The world is a big place. I've had my fun with him, and I'm sure I still will. Its just that I can't stand in the past and constantly think about how things could be when deep down I know that all this effort is just going to waste. Why stand in the shadow of someone else when you can explore so much more out of it? I do love him, its just that I've been stuck in this same spot for about a year now and I think it's time to move out of it.

I had a quiet lunch with my mum today and we talked about my beautiful little cousin Oliver. He's in hospital again and we were talking about his condition. It's so sad, hes always in and out of that horrible place. No fresh air, impossible to have a good nights sleep and crappiest food alive. Only spending a week in that place nearly drained me. But hes 4 and when you're 4 you don't want to be contained in a place like a hospital.

That's a photo I took of him at the family Christmas picnic last year. He's really adorable (like all children) but Oliver is really really intuitive for such a little man. We were walking to the park and he was taking huuuge steps for little legs like his and I was like "Olllllyy, what are you doing?!" and he replied "I'm pretending to be a dinosaur with my dinosaur shoes" :) And he really cares for his little bro Isaac. This little dude just doesn't deserve to be in the hospital.
I guess its reasons like this that really aspire some parts of me to become a doctor. Also as my bodies been through so many types of infections and diseases, it just really interests me I suppose. But when I was talking to Victor today, he made it clear that I'd probably be mid-twenties / late-twenties when I finally get my career. Of course I've thought about this before but hearing it from someone else makes it hurt so much more. I'm going to be university still studying and surrounded by books until I'm 25. Yeah, I know its young. My dad agrees that it's a good age to start because I'd be mature (hopefully haha) by then and be able to be finally live on my own. But like people from my leavers class will be exploring the world in a different perspective, possibly getting married, becoming engineneers, cafe owners, interior designers, etc etc. Whilst I'm still stuck in the same stress and strain that I experienced in year 12.
When I was in primary school I was looking forward to the freedom of highschool. When I got to highschool, it was nothing I imagined in primary school. Yeah it had some of the social benefits that I was excited for by work wise, not really. So then in highschool I was excited for uni where I could finally be set towards something that my future would be based upon. Get to uni- realise that I'm fucked. I don't know where I want to go. Where I want to head. Well I do, just not set in stone. Thats what I wanted. Certainty. After five years, you'll get this degree. You'll be working in this profession with people like this. You wear clothes like this, get paid this much. Meet people, meet someone you love. Go to watch plays and orchestras, go on holidays. Get a house. Live in peace. Etc.

It scares me, really. To not know where you're gonna end up. It scares me to death. I can't think about it for too long otherwise I'll start wishing I was someone else. Someone else whose plans worked out and ended up being perfect.

"Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect."

 

Let's sail away. Run away. Fly away.
Disappear.
Re-start.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

Currently listening to: Sea of Love- Cat Power
third img taken from: http://www.paulblow.com/