Dear Friend,
I've been on Blogger hiatus for a while so I'm going to ramble on for a while. This is by far the longest post I have ever published on my blogger. Feel free to zone out, or just stop reading. I really don't mind.
I'm sitting here in my room with the strongest coffee I have ever had (I made four cups of coffee into one, I need it) feeling quite devestated after receiving my semester one report. My brain feels like its going to explode. Along with my back cracking into two seperate parts and my feet falling off.
A cold (heavy coughs and a running nose) took over my body last Monday. I blame it on the late night at the airport I had on Sunday night. I got home about 1 A.M and it was ice-cold when I was standing in the atmosphere. I was considering to board onto any flight to leave the fucking country while the germs and bacteria were invading my immune system. Obviously the macrophages and phagocytes were drugged up with the amount of caffine I had consumed previously so they weren't doing their job. I woke up Monday morning feeling as if a truck had rammed over my immune system and with a cough that made my chest feel heavy. For the rest of that week I pretty much skipped school (didn't bother me really, it was last week of term two) and I felt like hiding from the world since I had a haircut that made me look like a mushroom.
Moreso, my bestfriend called me an ESL student from afar. I took that piece of information quite vehemetly, I DO NOT LOOK LIKE AN ESL STUDENT! Not that I have anything against ESL students, I mean their still human beings and all. (ESL is the abbrv. for English as Second Language... yes...)
I felt pretty dumbed down during that week though since the teachers decided to be humane and deliever a series of tests/ assesments/ assignments on our last day. So while feeling shit I was effed over by school as well. I didn't like last week at all very much at all.
I had motivation to get better though. I helped QiQin organise her end of term/ pre NZ party during study period two weeks ago. It was held on the Sunday night that just passed. (Photos are on another entry) Oh. My. God. I think the amount of regrets from that night keep on piling higher and higher. It was a fun night, yes. But I did the most stupidest things ever. I can't change anything anymore and it doesn't trump the high level of fun I had. Nicholai and I would just lay on the grass and watch the moon while drinking wine out of a jug. Our friends would come out and sit with us, and we would sit in a big circle drinking wine out of a jug talking about the most spontaneous things.
Sleeping with ten girls with hangovers in one bedroom after was very... different. It was quite hilarious, we swore a lot. And talked about the male species quite a bit. Also haggled over the amount of space on the bed and sleeping on each others kidneys/ bladders.
I've been on Blogger hiatus for a while so I'm going to ramble on for a while. This is by far the longest post I have ever published on my blogger. Feel free to zone out, or just stop reading. I really don't mind.
I'm sitting here in my room with the strongest coffee I have ever had (I made four cups of coffee into one, I need it) feeling quite devestated after receiving my semester one report. My brain feels like its going to explode. Along with my back cracking into two seperate parts and my feet falling off.
A cold (heavy coughs and a running nose) took over my body last Monday. I blame it on the late night at the airport I had on Sunday night. I got home about 1 A.M and it was ice-cold when I was standing in the atmosphere. I was considering to board onto any flight to leave the fucking country while the germs and bacteria were invading my immune system. Obviously the macrophages and phagocytes were drugged up with the amount of caffine I had consumed previously so they weren't doing their job. I woke up Monday morning feeling as if a truck had rammed over my immune system and with a cough that made my chest feel heavy. For the rest of that week I pretty much skipped school (didn't bother me really, it was last week of term two) and I felt like hiding from the world since I had a haircut that made me look like a mushroom.
Moreso, my bestfriend called me an ESL student from afar. I took that piece of information quite vehemetly, I DO NOT LOOK LIKE AN ESL STUDENT! Not that I have anything against ESL students, I mean their still human beings and all. (ESL is the abbrv. for English as Second Language... yes...)
I felt pretty dumbed down during that week though since the teachers decided to be humane and deliever a series of tests/ assesments/ assignments on our last day. So while feeling shit I was effed over by school as well. I didn't like last week at all very much at all.
I had motivation to get better though. I helped QiQin organise her end of term/ pre NZ party during study period two weeks ago. It was held on the Sunday night that just passed. (Photos are on another entry) Oh. My. God. I think the amount of regrets from that night keep on piling higher and higher. It was a fun night, yes. But I did the most stupidest things ever. I can't change anything anymore and it doesn't trump the high level of fun I had. Nicholai and I would just lay on the grass and watch the moon while drinking wine out of a jug. Our friends would come out and sit with us, and we would sit in a big circle drinking wine out of a jug talking about the most spontaneous things.
Sleeping with ten girls with hangovers in one bedroom after was very... different. It was quite hilarious, we swore a lot. And talked about the male species quite a bit. Also haggled over the amount of space on the bed and sleeping on each others kidneys/ bladders.
When your less in-tune with whats happening around you, you pay more attention to the things running through your head and your heart beating rapidly in your body. Your body systems work harder and the adrenaline is running through your blood vessels. My brain stopped working for approximately five minutes and my sense of good judgement also stopped.
I didn't mean to call him. Especially while the monster Alcohol took over me.
Monday morning I walked home in the rain with the worst headache. My music player was raped at QiQin's party. It has scratches and grazes all over it but it still managed to randomly play music that fit my mood. Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie came on. I've had this song ever since I purchased the Translaticism album three years ago but never did I think about the lyrics or the shallow words that medolically swayed out of Ben Gibbards mouth.
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
In my mellow and contemplative mood, I realised thats going to be me for the next few days. Never will he realise the truth. Never will he hear the truth since he won't let me tell him. He hates me. He probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I don't blame him. If someone called me at an obscene time while drunk screaming words through the phone I would hate them too. Never have I wished so much for things to go back to the past. I know thats a bad thing to say. It really is, quite cliche too. But I took it for granted.
I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to hurt myself.
He won't talk to me. He won't respond. It hurts so much to know my closest friends can talk to him with such ease and friendship but I have to supress all want to call him and apologise. Only cause I know he hates me and won't respond. It's no use. I'm not angry at my friends, because thats wrong. I'm a bit jealous, yes. But isn't that expected?
Someone you want to talk to, get things straight with, which would be done in five minutes. You practise it over in your head every night when you can't sleep or when you have nothing else to do. You try and he shuts you down. But you still know what you want to say. Your friends talk to him like nothings happened between you and him. You don't hate them but you get jealous at the ease that they converse. It's like you never ever existed to him at all. It feels as if whatever we were; good friends, a couple, close friends, acquantices, gf/bf, people who just met at a party, on a break; never meant anything to him at all. Did he even care? It's times like this you wish you could read other peoples minds, delve deeper into what they said, the body language they had around you, the words they put in texts, the drawings he put in letters cause he was "bored", did he mean any of it? OH FUCK, why the fuck am I revelling in my pity on the fucking internet. I've lost it. And I can't fucking get over it. Thats why.
Don't you hate it how you used to be so critical about stereotypical corny lame cliche things but then you find yourself mirroring the exact things you hated before? I am the biggest hypocrite ever. I listen to soft corny love songs because it makes me feel better. What. The. Hell. Right now I'm listening to Love Story by Taylor Swift. Okay- true, this has been my "obsessive embarrasing mainstream song" for a while now but thats beside the point! Last week I was compiling a playlist for the party. I had to sacrifice my ears and sense of better judgement to songs by 'Flo Rider', 'Akon', and '50 Cent'. Embarrasingly, it didn't seem to bad after a while. Some of the more mellow, beatful songs. I never had a thing against them, I just didn't digg the music. I blamed my odd behaivour on my delirious self. It was the perfect excuse and I could also surround myself by sweet tunes I had obviously deprived myself of.
Then again, I listened to this playlist this morning and I felt like vomitting.
So its the start of another two weeks minus school again. QiQins was a good way to start it off. I wonder what this set of two weeks will bring. Last holidays was full of surprises, a boy, lack of study and mass arty movies. I'm sure these holidays will be much more eventful but with much more study. Since its going to be raining and winterful I doubt I will go out much. I don't like leaving the house when its wet and rainy. Dad won't let me out anyway, I've had this cold for over a week and he's starting to get worried. Most of my friends are going to be either in Queensland or New Zealand starting from tonight :(
It still hasn't sunk in that I'm a senior but after reviewing my report I concluded that I need to knuckle down and revise or whatever these holidays. I'm going to read more these holidays, I still haven't finished Lolita or The Handmaids Tale. They'll make good reviews for my literature journal.
Anyways my mums bugging me to help out more around the house due to all this free time. I suppose I should, she does so much for me so this is the least I could do.
I might add more on later, I've forgotten how much fun this is!
-Annie
xoxo
I didn't mean to call him. Especially while the monster Alcohol took over me.
Monday morning I walked home in the rain with the worst headache. My music player was raped at QiQin's party. It has scratches and grazes all over it but it still managed to randomly play music that fit my mood. Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie came on. I've had this song ever since I purchased the Translaticism album three years ago but never did I think about the lyrics or the shallow words that medolically swayed out of Ben Gibbards mouth.
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night
In my mellow and contemplative mood, I realised thats going to be me for the next few days. Never will he realise the truth. Never will he hear the truth since he won't let me tell him. He hates me. He probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I don't blame him. If someone called me at an obscene time while drunk screaming words through the phone I would hate them too. Never have I wished so much for things to go back to the past. I know thats a bad thing to say. It really is, quite cliche too. But I took it for granted.
I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to hurt myself.
He won't talk to me. He won't respond. It hurts so much to know my closest friends can talk to him with such ease and friendship but I have to supress all want to call him and apologise. Only cause I know he hates me and won't respond. It's no use. I'm not angry at my friends, because thats wrong. I'm a bit jealous, yes. But isn't that expected?
Someone you want to talk to, get things straight with, which would be done in five minutes. You practise it over in your head every night when you can't sleep or when you have nothing else to do. You try and he shuts you down. But you still know what you want to say. Your friends talk to him like nothings happened between you and him. You don't hate them but you get jealous at the ease that they converse. It's like you never ever existed to him at all. It feels as if whatever we were; good friends, a couple, close friends, acquantices, gf/bf, people who just met at a party, on a break; never meant anything to him at all. Did he even care? It's times like this you wish you could read other peoples minds, delve deeper into what they said, the body language they had around you, the words they put in texts, the drawings he put in letters cause he was "bored", did he mean any of it? OH FUCK, why the fuck am I revelling in my pity on the fucking internet. I've lost it. And I can't fucking get over it. Thats why.
Don't you hate it how you used to be so critical about stereotypical corny lame cliche things but then you find yourself mirroring the exact things you hated before? I am the biggest hypocrite ever. I listen to soft corny love songs because it makes me feel better. What. The. Hell. Right now I'm listening to Love Story by Taylor Swift. Okay- true, this has been my "obsessive embarrasing mainstream song" for a while now but thats beside the point! Last week I was compiling a playlist for the party. I had to sacrifice my ears and sense of better judgement to songs by 'Flo Rider', 'Akon', and '50 Cent'. Embarrasingly, it didn't seem to bad after a while. Some of the more mellow, beatful songs. I never had a thing against them, I just didn't digg the music. I blamed my odd behaivour on my delirious self. It was the perfect excuse and I could also surround myself by sweet tunes I had obviously deprived myself of.
Then again, I listened to this playlist this morning and I felt like vomitting.
So its the start of another two weeks minus school again. QiQins was a good way to start it off. I wonder what this set of two weeks will bring. Last holidays was full of surprises, a boy, lack of study and mass arty movies. I'm sure these holidays will be much more eventful but with much more study. Since its going to be raining and winterful I doubt I will go out much. I don't like leaving the house when its wet and rainy. Dad won't let me out anyway, I've had this cold for over a week and he's starting to get worried. Most of my friends are going to be either in Queensland or New Zealand starting from tonight :(
It still hasn't sunk in that I'm a senior but after reviewing my report I concluded that I need to knuckle down and revise or whatever these holidays. I'm going to read more these holidays, I still haven't finished Lolita or The Handmaids Tale. They'll make good reviews for my literature journal.
Anyways my mums bugging me to help out more around the house due to all this free time. I suppose I should, she does so much for me so this is the least I could do.
I might add more on later, I've forgotten how much fun this is!
-Annie
xoxo
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