I sit here amongst my Russian Revolution notes, where Stalin exercised terror over the helpless nation, and next to the teddy bear that kept me company in hospital by sitting next to my bedside table. I still don't feel I have assimilated into normal life perfectly yet. Even though I feel no different from who/ what I was a week ago, I still feel out of place in this scene.
Is it just me?
Some things in life may change, and some things, they stay the same
I'm a seventeen year old girl, who has not yet found who I am, where I belong, what I am meant to do. I have favourite fonts to type with, different flavoured coffees to drink on different mornings, favourite people to go to specific places with, categorised songs to listen to for different emotions I'm feeling, special journal entries or letters to read when I'm sad, a unique Annie position to sleep in when I feel insecure and confused, habits and actions that I've become accustomed to, to define me who I am, or maybe just who people see me as. What is my identity? We are constantly learning about identity in english or literature @ school but I find that it their teachings are inconsistent to what we feel in the real world. We are fucking adolescents. Why not teach us about identity that will help us find WHO WE REALLY ARE in the world.
Like time, there's always time on my mind so pass me by, I'll be fine. Just give me time
We're all on a journey to find someone who understands. We're all on a journey to find someone to ride horses with until twilight in the meadows. We're all on a journey to find someone who will stay on the phone in silence and just listen to you cry. We're all on a journey to find someone who knows what makes you cringe and feel corny. Someone who makes you feel safe and secure. We all want to find someone who will write you letters and send endless replies. Someone who can just look at your face and body demour and know what you're feeling. Someone you can love and call your own.
But what happens when you can't find that someone?
Yes, I'm seventeen year old girl. Yes, I know I have a whole life ahead of me. But what happenes when you see other seventeen year olds prancing around who seem to enjoy life more than you do? Is it just me? They seem to have experienced, felt, gone through it all. It is just me. Life seems incomparisable to what they make it up to be. Why must I compare? Why must I feel like I have nothing? I do have something. Is it some human inconsistency that we must always want more and more?
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel I can't take it."
You will never understand just one person. You try your hardest too but they just let you down. You want to. You want to be there for them like you want them to be there for you. But you know what, fuck it. Some people just don't change.
You don't understand the fucking pain I went through for you.
You would never care.
I used to shiver everytime you would talk to me
or look at me
Because I was scared that I would fall into my own death
again.
Why am I so pathetic?
I am pitying my own sorrows.
My mum has always reminded me since I was a child to pray.
And be thankful what I have even if I chose not to follow her faith.
I thank you for whoever is out there, listening, watching.
Thank you.
5 comments:
I'm not sure we ever find who we are, where we belong or what we're meant to do. Instead maybe we keep discovering our favourite coffee flavours, oddities, neurosis, opinions and activities.
From all of that we find who we'd like to be, or who we choose to be, and then aim to fulfil that idea of ourselves, rather than discovering something solid or innate
But then the idea of ourselves is constantly changing such as the way we justify our wrongs in some way or another, so much so that they seem right.
Maybe that's how we're always growing and changing I suppose.
I enjoy reading these
Heheh, thank-you
^__^
Intelligence is a curse; ignorance is bliss (bleh cliche). Observing and comparing are intelligent traits.
A person is the sum of all their pieces. Yes, over time these pieces vary and such, but they are never changing. Nothing about a person ever changes, not in any way that matters at least. You discover yourself through experience. You don't choose who you are; you are who you are and absolutely nothing can change that (well amnesia could, I suppose).
You're not pathetic, you're perceptive. Maybe you just aren't cut out for "normalcy"? (Which is a good thing, for the record).
Anyhoo, I hope you can be happy with everything! :)
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