Written: 10.45 A.M
Finished: 11.30 A.M

So I'm finally leaving this place. With no recollection of anything that happened between the hours of 1 P.M to 5 P.M yesterday, apparently I am now cured of this threatening appendage of my heart that has been with me since birth. So they say that I am free to go. I can't even remember 75% of the people, who have seen me naked, put gel on my bare skin, poked and pricked my skin with needles, sucked the blood and life out of me and literally, touched my insides and heart.
Do I feel violated? Offended? Vindicated? Apart from the bitch that cut up bathers up in emergency and kicked my friends out during visiting times, I feel absolutely fine.
I have had a week long adventure with many glove friends as accompianant and soggy shitly cooked food in my tired stomach. People, mainly medical students, have studied every miniscule part of my life and I hope that the results they get give them the results to become super cardiologists like Dr. Hung and treat patients like me in the future. I see and hear children visiting the old man in the room next to me, who coughs and moans like he'd rather be in heaven, and just think that they will be the next generation who will be stuck in this low life blindingly sterile and clinical piece of shit.

A doctor, who earns about 150$ an hour comes in and tells me that I was in pain yesterday and he could hear me screaming. He tells me there is a 95% chance that it will never come back until I get my heart broken again 2 weeks later. Behind all the 9 - 5 hours that he does, he will eventually forget me and my "interesting case". Tomorrow he will meet another girl with a faulty heart and shake her hand with a smile. He will treat her for it. She will sleep in the same bed as I am sitting in now, eat off the same pre written menu the catering staff hand her, have nameless hands touch all over her body, look out the window that takes up one side of the hospital room and, despite the mechanical and industrialised view, she will see the street lights and windows alit at night that will evoke feelings of loneliness and a desire to breath the natural air again instead of bottled up chemicalised oxygen. She will watch the cars came in with their headlights turned on and wonder if any of those cars will contain that one person she misses the most and just want to be beside again. All the male and female nurses will introduce themselves to her with a pre practised smile and automatic responses sounding very much like this: "Hi I'm Katie and I will be your night nurse tonight." Endlessly, strangers will enter to take her temperature, and blood, where it is routine for them is strange and new to her will soon become routine for her aswell.

It’s all a fucking vicious cycle.



Being continually monitored day and night in room that I have not exited yet except to go to the bathroom has tired me out. No fucking shit was it an experience but being confined in a 8 X 5 M room since Sunday evening has had its repercussions by feeling emotions of sadness, anger, regret, hope and hurt. Yet, I have had moments of love and happiness as sunshine with my close friends and family have entered my room. They were short bursts of life and distractions from this other world I had unfatefully entered. They tried to make me not miss the outside world too much and forget plans that I had made in the past that were ruined. They filled me up with hope and excitement for my future without any restrictions but as I write this and look up at the monitor flashing my heart beat at 120beats/ min, I feel nothing has changed.

A piece of my heart has been expulsed to dust and I wonder what the remains are. I now watch a foreign lady with silver hair and black slacks come wipe my sick ridden floor with antiseptic wash. How sad would her life be? To be centred on sick, mindless people. Does she think that her antiseptic wash and sterile cleaning devices will change the world? I try to open my pre-packaged air tight orange juice but my weak heart has failed me again so she offers to open it for me. Even though she might not change the world with her daily cleaning and sterilising at least she is there to open peoples orange juices for them.

I'm glad I'm getting out of this place. It has served its purpose and I hope I won't have to re enter this world in a while.



It’s all a fucking vicious cycle.