Christmas Day, the birth of Jesus (or apparently so; there's been so many status' on FB about it being a conspiracy but then again everything seems to be unreal these days)
It felt different this year, we didn't spend it with my grandma for the first time in our lives. Last year, on Christmas Eve, I slept overnight at Royal Perth with her. Now she had to sleep alone at that old people's home. Does she even know its Christmas?
As I write this, there are so many things pulling on my heart strings.
The memories of past Christmas mornings with my Grandma, her giving my brother and I our presents she would choose out herself (they would usually be the clothing sets you could buy for children), us giving her the present that we hardly spent any effort on shyly...
We try too hard to grasp lost loves and past memories as soon as we realise they are slowly untangling themselves from us. When you think too hard, you don't do and when you don't do- it's all too late.
Otherwise- I did have an o.k. time at the various Christmas celebrations- useless presents from family I see three times a year, learning names of cousins I see three times a year, eating and drinking as much as I do on Christmas only. I feel like I made a more solid stigma on my extended family with I will do what I will with my life, and I won't follow your expectations. Of course I still respect them and in doing so I kind of feel like I am disrespecting them- but you know what? Its my life.
In the background of The Postal Services sweet neutral tunes I keep on hearing the 'beep' that translates to 'you got mail bitch'. Its all emails for the sales tomorrow. I was excited before, but now I've lost all feeling. The only reason we go to these sales is to build up our image. Do I want my image to be like this? .....
Before I kept on posting and deleting and posting and then deleting my project photos on Facebook. Apart from the fact that its shit resolution, I just didn't have enough courage. Ha- pathetic I know. Blogspot is failproof for posting my photos as I know its not exposed to such a large audience. (All back to image again) I wanted to post them up because I'm starting to feel photography will be a contributor to my future... and posting my 'work' will kind of give me a starting point? I mean nowadays EVERYONES a photographer and EVERYONES into photography. No- I'm not being a snobby bitch, but I'm just saying it's hard when I don't know what people think of them/ me. Like yeah I know I'm not pro and all but I'm decent/ o.k. I guess thats when the deleting part comes in. I'm not comfortable with 'showing off'. Gaaaaaah! Why am I so pathetic with my self? Who I am and shit? Wh-aaaaayyyy!!
Or maybe the fact that I do upload some good photos, and that I do make myself an image just because I want to be someone that SOMEONE could like. I stalk posts, I read comments and I wonder if their all the same to him. I mean ever since highschool its been the same- everyone falls heads over heels for him. Fuck- I try to be different. But differents never enough. Why is it that its the SAME that gets to boys. The ones that are the same. The ones that put out, or have the same fucking split. In my head its all a fucked up time. I ignore him at parties, or I do it knowingly because I'm looking at him through the corner or my eye. I don't want to be the same that go up to him, that talk to him about casual shit- I want to be that striking, quiet, different girl.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
I'm such a mess at the moment.
So much love to give out,
but needing so much more.
Happy birthday JC. Hopefully you enjoyed your day more than some of us did.
No comments:
Post a Comment